Gorge

•September 1, 2014 • Leave a Comment

So lately I’ve been eating a lot.
I haven’t actually put in weight in terms of the scales but I’m pretty sure I thickening up.
I just can’t seem to stop.
I never really thought of myself as a depressed eater but lately I’m wondering what on earth is going on.
I haven’t heard much about my dad and how he is going… It’s like even though I want to make sure he is ok I just can’t bring myself to call and see how he actually is.
Lately I haven’t a even wanted to speak to my mum.
I don’t know what’s happening.

I always wondered how those people could go months or years without talking to their parents.. Now it feels like I’m becoming one of them.

A fat secretly depressed lady that eats her feelings and doesn’t talk to her family.

But sad.

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Run

•August 23, 2014 • Leave a Comment

The other night I went out to the car and had the strongest urge to just run.
I don’t know where or why.
I just wanted to run a disappear and never come back and never have anyone think of me ever again.

Poof.

Gone.

Waiting

•August 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

The other week I got a rather disturbing text message from my sister.

It seems my dads mental health is going down the drain. He has dealt with bipolar since he was 16 and it seems that there are just times that he cannot deal with it any more.

Apparently he had a session where he felt suicidal and my sister – being trained as a registered psychologist talked him through it and has been able to make some precautions to make sure that he is safe.

Lucky we have someone in the family trained like that right? But it is so much pressure on her. She feels like the whole family is trusting her to keep him safe. That can’t be fun.

I’ve been worried about him pretty much non stop since then. And seeing as though recently an actor and comedian that I have grown up with and loved has just committed suicide it has been really hard not to think about my dad and how so many people I know are morbidly depressed.

I feel bad to say it but I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen.

I feel like every call or text I get from family is going to be them telling me the bad news.

That he gave in and couldn’t take it any more.

And although this though makes me extremely sad – I don’t want my father to die, it also seems to bring me a bit of relief that I might get that message or call. That he might be out of his pain and that the family might be able to move on and enjoy like without worrying.

How awful am I.

Horrible.

Backlog

•August 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Wow it was been crazy lately.
Not entirely sure what it is but it has just been emotional roller coasters for me every day. I feel like I’m bipolar or something. Literally, one moment happy and content and then the next in tears and miserable.
I had a weird day. Almost cried about 4 times at work. Cried on the drive home. Cried in bed when I got home.
I kept thinking “but there isn’t anything wrong, I’m not sad about anything” and then I started thinking about my day and about my thoughts recently.

My goodness brain, seriously? There’s nothing wrong? I wrote a list of 17 things that have negative effects on me! SEVENTEEN! That adds up in your brain and of course it’s going to take up space and change moods.

So my day started with one of my bosses sarcastically telling me to sit on my ass while he went and grabbed papers of the printer that he expected me to get. So small right. It made me tear up! Then there is issues with processes at my work so there’s been a lot of back and forth (sometimes heated) between me and management. Then there has been some issues with projects I was managing- things that aren’t my fault at all but of course they’ve been on my mind because my brain holds me to such high expectations. Then there’s been a lot of expenses this month so my pay check hasn’t really lasted. Also It’s my bday soon so naturally my brain is saying “why don’t you have a party? Oh wait you have no friends. Why don’t you have friends? Why are you the way you are? No one will come to your party anyway and even if they do it will be horribly boring just like you”. Also I seem to be going through some sort of some age life crisis. I feel like getting a tattoo, cutting all of my hair off, dying it bright red and getting fit but eating everything and travel the world and do crazy crap!

Seriously my head is just a mess.

I guess it doesn’t help also that I haven’t spoken to my family in a while and I keep thinking I should call them but then I think I have zero to talk about and don’t really want to be talked at like my mum sometimes does. Plus I’m wanting to study but have that little voice in my head saying I will fail miserably.

Negative Nelly huh?

Not sure what to do about all of this. I can tell myself a hundred times that accidents happen and certain things aren’t my fault and that I’m just being stupid but nothing seems to get through this thick skull.

Then I start blaming to medications. Does thyroid medication make you go crazy?

I don’t know what to do.

See Saw. Up Down.

•June 30, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Back and forth, back and forth. That’s how I feel I’m always going. Sometimes I worry I have what my dad has. That nasty Black Dog with the char black name tag hanging off of its collar “Bipolar”.

I’ve been pretty darn content the past couple of months. Then I got sick again. Had two days off of work at the recommendation of my doctor who said rest would fix it. But all it did was make me feel that guilt that I feel every time I have time off of work. I come back feeling like everyone is looking at me thinking; oh look she can’t handle a little cold. She is always taking work off. What a lazy bugger. Truth is though I really needed the rest time because I had this cough that was keeping me up all night, every night. I literally hadn’t slept in a week. I was losing my mind. This isn’t the only thing though. For months I have been dealing with extremely sore muscles. Like every little bit of strain I put on them, for example I carried a bag of groceries for about one minute and my arm was hurting for the rest of the day and night. Turns out I have this little gem called Hoshimotos disease. So basically, I feel like my brain is attacking me – my black dog, while at the same time my body is actually attacking my own thyroid. So this discovery by my doctor has lead me to spend more of my money to see yet another specialist who charges me for an hour when I’m only there 15minutes. He had one look at me just prescribed me medicine. I’m a little unsure about it all seeing as though none of my thyroid levels were even out, but he said it was better to get it working now then to wait for the levels to go down and for me to start experiencing an more of the symptoms.

Upon going home and looking up this fun little sickness though it turns out I had more of the symptoms than I would have liked, so on to this new medication I go. I’m feeling hopeful as Its been a few weeks and my muscles are slowly getting back to normal. I can be with my partner and not be in extreme fatigue the whole time- that was a real mood killer. I can do a exercise again which is a relief as it was one of the things that was really helping me keep my black dog tired and sleeping away in his kennel.

See saw, see saw. While all of this was going on we also took our youngest little kitten to the vet for a booster shot and found out that she needed surgery on her knees. She has luxating patella’s and the surgery was going to EXPENSIVE. I was pretty worried about it all and when she finally got to come home she had to have tablets and be wearing a cone of shame and take drugs that made her act weird and her little shaven legs were out to be seen with the incisions all fresh, plus she had to be kept in a cage so that she would be “on bed rest”. It was all pretty heartbreaking. And when we had to go to work and leave her at home I was so worried the other cat was going to reach through the cage and tear her stitches or that she would be rolling around in her own filth or just die from pain. My brain was going pretty darn mental.

It’s been a month since she had her surgery and he has only just been let out of the cage. We’re so happy to have her around us again. The other cat doesn’t seem too excited about it but she is just going to have to deal with not being the only cat around the house again!

 

Any way. It’s been a pretty big couple of months in terms of sickness and worries and happiness. I’ve been really content, happy with work happy with my relationship, happy with my little family. But then, as always the black dog comes and puts his muddy paws around. Isn’t that always the way.

The strange relationships

•May 24, 2014 • 1 Comment

So I know it’s been a while but i’ve suddenly built up the time or probably just courage to write in this journal type thing I have going here.

I’m not sure because I may be slightly intoxicated right now but I’m pretty sure a recent post was about how I pretty much abandoned a friend so that I could in turn receive my own happiness that I felt was owed to me.

That friend has since gotten back in touch and even though my last response to her was that I could not look after her problems as well as my own she has continued to just pile it on.

Not so much “I want to be dead” stuff anymore just more “life sucks” correspondences.

Anyway the reason why I have all of suddenly felt like I needed to express myself to the whole entire world(or just anyone that gives a crap to listen/read for a few seconds) is that ANOTHER friend has just told me how sucky their life is now that their horrible horrible grandfather has come to live with their parents and they keep telling off their brothers and they keep taking their parents cars. Well you know what my grandfather molested my sister! hows that for your horrible grandparent?

My aunty has been diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumour.

My father continues to be suicidal and not being able to deal with his bipolar.

Wow. What a cow I am for trying to compare my life with others. For thinking that mine and the people around me’s hardships are worse than anyone elses.

I guess i’m just a little sick of people telling me, confiding in me, feeling as though they can vent on me, that their lives are that much worse off.

If everyone could just see, everyone is going through pains and they can not be measured against each other.

Each person deals a different way and thinking that your life is any different to any one elses is just stupid.

I’ve always thought, even when I have been slightly suicidal, how selfish of those that take their own lives, thinking that their lives are so much worse than everyones elses when there are probably tonnes of people out there doing it worse.

The one thing that always brings me back from wanting to end it all is when i think of how it will effect everyone I know. How do I know that my one little act wont tear apart someone elses lives. Maybe it will be the last straw on their pile of issues with life.

What an awful thought.

Life causes….

•March 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Cancer.

Life causes cancer. Anyone can seem to get cancer.

A family member. A works family member. AND a sister in laws family member. All- cancer.

In the past few weeks three people have been diagnosed with cancer around me. What is happening.

I don’t really know how I feel about all of this. My initial reaction was just shock. And then I started thinking about something that happened about seven months back now.

I went to take the trash out and I saw my partners dog(the dog I had been looking after for the past five years) lying in his favourite spot in the sun. Dead. I had a strange initial reaction. Shaky hands. I walked up to see if he was just lying awkwardly and as I got closer his eyes looked emptier and I realized there were ants in his mouth and he was gone. I wanted to move his head into a less shocking position but I couldn’t touch him. I ran inside and accidentally said to my partner “Casper, I don’t think he is ok” or something along those lines. I saw him run and I paused and then ran after him. Then I saw him hunched next to the golden retriever sobbing like I have never seen someone sob before. It was heartbreaking and it is still so fresh in my mind.

I went to work the next day and cried almost every ten minutes.

Then it summed down.
I was ok.

But recently I just keep picturing it.

Cancer. I think that’s what has retrieved the memory so clearly. Death. I’ve never been so close to it before as I was that day the poor dog died.

About a year back the doctor found a growth on my thyroid. He told me to get it checked again in six months. I forgot.

Cancer made me remember.

I cannot believe that this illness can be so present. Everyone knows someone with it or knows someone that knows someone. In my case I know three with it currently and one that has beaten it.

I cannot believe that it takes me to realize that I need to look after myself and love life and others, it takes me having to experience death and great illness- brain cancer none the less just to realize all of this!!

What have you realized because something had made you? Because life had come along and MADE you?

I’m home alone at the moment, I’ve had Maccas and ice cream and wine. I sometimes wonder if my depression take over when I’m alone and takes over me in the way of eating bad and giving in to family alcoholism.

In the end I feel like my depression is always underneath it all.

Always there.

My black dog wanting to play.

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